and it’s dark
and I’m all alone
until suddenly a noise
has me wishing for the loneliness again.
Peace is elusive
the tag of my t-shirt itches my back
and every fluff on the blanket is suddenly spiders
crawling all over my skin and I have to turn the light on and check.
Back in bed
fighting for comfort
fighting for warmth
and, hell, acceptance and love
and just, please, five hours of sleep
if I fall asleep right now I can get five hours of sleep.
As if rational thought has any place here.
Clear your mind
close your eyes
try to count sheep
but they’re not sheep
they’re fears and worries and “what ifs”
until tomorrow looks so bleak you almost can’t stand it anymore
but if I fall asleep right now I can get four hours of sleep
please, I’ll take four, that’s why they invented makeup, right?
As if hopeful thought has any place here.
Flip the pillow
as if flipping it changes it
I flip myself all the time and it changes nothing
then fluff it, push it back into the shape of a pillow
as if once it’s pulled apart it can ever be the same again
this side is wet, too
my tears from earlier haven’t even dried
but why not because this night has been so long
and if I just fall asleep right now I can get three hours of sleep.
As if wishful thought has any place here.
It’s starting to get light
but my eyes still hurt from staring into the darkness
trying to find the meaning
trying to find the purpose
trying to find myself again
we all lose our way but was I even on the path?
and if I just fall asleep right now I can get two hours of sleep.
Is it even worth it?
As if introspective thought has any place here.
get up, get a shower
get some caffeine
leave plenty of time to paint on the face
that is the silent, elaborate lie you tell everyday
but, maybe, if I fall asleep right now I could get just one hour of sleep…
As if any thought has any place here.